Friday, September 17, 2010
Happy Birthday!!!!
Wow its been 5 years since you change me life!! Oh all the plans that I had for you and how bad I still would love for them to be done. How fun it would be to have mommy daughter nights and the little things get to me like when I am painting my toes how I wish you were standing there wanting yours done too!!! I was so excited to know this year that you would have not made the cut off date for kindergarten cause that would have made things extra hard!! I want you to know that there is nothing that can happen in my life that will ever replace you or still all my love or shatter all my memories that I have of you!!! Happy Birthday Sweetheart!!!!
Monday, November 9, 2009
Just a poem I wrote....
Guilty Feelings?
On her birthday what did I do?
I went to dinner and a movie got home in the morning about two.
I gave her flowers and balloons cause she had turned four,
but should I have spent more time at her grave should I have done more.
Right after that the holidays started with Halloween,
and what did I do for her well I did nothing.
So next is Thanksgiving a time to be thankful for what we got,
but guilt is dragging me down because of the things I did not do or forgot.
To leave her headstone undecorated for others to view,
how the little things can eat you up inside, who knew.
But even after all of the holidays seem to pass,
and I let the guilt that is controlling me be gone like a flash.
Her memory, her name, her smile, her smell
is daily every minute in my heart, my thoughts, no one can tell.
There is no balloon to announce it or no flower to show,
that my love for my daughter inside me does glow.
Like the flicker of light that no body can ever turn off or even down,
and someday my smile is just something I put on to go into town.
Its not the material things that show how much for her I care,
Its the place in my heart, my thoughts, and my life that her and I shared.
So if nothing is placed upon her grave on the next holiday its not that I forgot or I don't care,
its' simply that having to spend holidays at her grave is not fair.
I tell Olivia every day that I love her and miss her very very much,
She hears and feels it more with my thoughts coming from my heart then with decorations that she she can't even touch.
Its the feelings inside me that matters the most,
not the weathered items next to her headstone hanging on a metal post.
On her birthday what did I do?
I went to dinner and a movie got home in the morning about two.
I gave her flowers and balloons cause she had turned four,
but should I have spent more time at her grave should I have done more.
Right after that the holidays started with Halloween,
and what did I do for her well I did nothing.
So next is Thanksgiving a time to be thankful for what we got,
but guilt is dragging me down because of the things I did not do or forgot.
To leave her headstone undecorated for others to view,
how the little things can eat you up inside, who knew.
But even after all of the holidays seem to pass,
and I let the guilt that is controlling me be gone like a flash.
Her memory, her name, her smile, her smell
is daily every minute in my heart, my thoughts, no one can tell.
There is no balloon to announce it or no flower to show,
that my love for my daughter inside me does glow.
Like the flicker of light that no body can ever turn off or even down,
and someday my smile is just something I put on to go into town.
Its not the material things that show how much for her I care,
Its the place in my heart, my thoughts, and my life that her and I shared.
So if nothing is placed upon her grave on the next holiday its not that I forgot or I don't care,
its' simply that having to spend holidays at her grave is not fair.
I tell Olivia every day that I love her and miss her very very much,
She hears and feels it more with my thoughts coming from my heart then with decorations that she she can't even touch.
Its the feelings inside me that matters the most,
not the weathered items next to her headstone hanging on a metal post.
Monday, September 28, 2009
Well Olivia celebrated her 4th birthday on the 17th of September. I sit and wonder what she would be like, what would be her favorite toy, would she like for you to do her hair, would she had started preschool this year, and the one thing I wonder about the most is what would she look like. I with I had an answer to all those questions but I know that it isn't possible. All I can picture is how she looked while we played and her little cheeks how you just wanted to reach out and pinch them every time you looked at her. Things are not getting any better or easier and I still deal with the pain almost every day. I just try to keep moving and keep my chin up for her. I know there are still things in life that I will do that will be in her honor and when those times come I will do it with pride. I am not happy to be a mother of an angel but I am happy that Olivia is MY angel! I know that it might sound funny but its true. I love Olivia with all my heart and her place in my heart will never be filled no matter what happens in my life. She touched my heart and when she passed she took a piece of it and that piece can never be replaced or mended. It will always be Olivia's!! I sure wish there was some how of getting Olivia back into all empty arms that want to just hold her......I wish.............. These past years have sure made me a different person. I feel that I am not the same. Olivia has changed a part of me that will never mend. She has made my heart more caring, my feelings for others stronger, and my choices I make more important. Amazing what a baby can do to you. These changes I know would still be the same if she was still with us. I hope that Olivia had a wonderful day in heaven on her birthday and that all the angel babies got together and remembered all of us here on earth. OLIVIA HAPPY FOURTH BIRTHDAY AND I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU AND MISS YOU VERY MUCH, MY LITTLE PRINCESS!!!
Sunday, March 8, 2009
Poems......
PLEASE
Please don't ask me if I'm over it yet.
I'll never be "over it."
Please don't tell me she is in a better place.
She isn't here.
Please don't say, at least she isn't suffering.
I haven't come to terms why she had to suffer at all.
Please don't tell me you know how I feel.
Unless you have lost a child.
Please don't tell me to get on with my life.
I'm still here you'll notice.
Please don't ask me if I feel better.
Bereavement isn't a condition that "clears up."
Please don't say "well at least you had her for four months."
What day would you chose for you child to die?
Please don't tell me God never gives you more than you can bear.
Who decides how much a person can bear.
Please just say you are sorry.
Please just say you remember her, if you do.
Please just let me talk if I want to.
Please let me cry when I must.
*************************************************************************
Tissues, Tears & Treasure
A circle of chairs and boxes of tissue,
A roomful of tears and emotional issues.
Frightening at first, I did not want to enter,
Into this strange group, and be in the center.
What I soon learned, as we sat side by side.
We were bound by the love of our children who died.
Each shattered heart, desperately seeking a moment of peace,
from the pain and weeping.
So many things different, and yet all the same,
Hearts lost in a fog of loss and pain.
Those who have journeyed, much further than me.
Reached out in comfort, listened quietly.
Each shattered heart spoke, and the tissues were passed.
We never avoid speaking of the past.
This circle of friends, have found a bond.
And here I'm still known as "Olivia's Mom."
Slowly, I've found I can reach out to others.
Who are newly bereaved, fathers and mothers.
Strength I have found in this circle of chairs.
To grieve and heal and to show that we care.
Please don't ask me if I'm over it yet.
I'll never be "over it."
Please don't tell me she is in a better place.
She isn't here.
Please don't say, at least she isn't suffering.
I haven't come to terms why she had to suffer at all.
Please don't tell me you know how I feel.
Unless you have lost a child.
Please don't tell me to get on with my life.
I'm still here you'll notice.
Please don't ask me if I feel better.
Bereavement isn't a condition that "clears up."
Please don't say "well at least you had her for four months."
What day would you chose for you child to die?
Please don't tell me God never gives you more than you can bear.
Who decides how much a person can bear.
Please just say you are sorry.
Please just say you remember her, if you do.
Please just let me talk if I want to.
Please let me cry when I must.
*************************************************************************
Tissues, Tears & Treasure
A circle of chairs and boxes of tissue,
A roomful of tears and emotional issues.
Frightening at first, I did not want to enter,
Into this strange group, and be in the center.
What I soon learned, as we sat side by side.
We were bound by the love of our children who died.
Each shattered heart, desperately seeking a moment of peace,
from the pain and weeping.
So many things different, and yet all the same,
Hearts lost in a fog of loss and pain.
Those who have journeyed, much further than me.
Reached out in comfort, listened quietly.
Each shattered heart spoke, and the tissues were passed.
We never avoid speaking of the past.
This circle of friends, have found a bond.
And here I'm still known as "Olivia's Mom."
Slowly, I've found I can reach out to others.
Who are newly bereaved, fathers and mothers.
Strength I have found in this circle of chairs.
To grieve and heal and to show that we care.
Monday, February 9, 2009
Its been 3 years of missing you!!!
Its been 3 long years since we last held you in our arms. I can still smell your sweet scent that you had about you Olivia. My heart has a spot that will forever be empty and that only belongs to you and nothing can ever fill it. I play over and over in my head the time that we had together, your little smile, you playing in your Jump-a-roo at Aunt Pegs house watching as we made quilts, the nights that I would come home from work and see you sitting in your bouncer watching tv, I see you the day that we tired on your blessing dress and how unimpressed you were with it, I remember my little trooper in SLC and you just kept fighting so that we could bring you home, I remember all those little things that mean the most to me. Then my thoughts get drowned out by the dreaded phone call I got at work this very evening and the drive to the hospital three years ago and it takes everything I have to get it to stop!! I may look like I am strong but really inside I am a mess.
I will forever love and miss my little chunky monkey. I know that everyone that got the chance to love in love with you miss you too!!!! You will always be our special little girl and I hope that you know how much you are loved and missed by all!!!!
The four short months
We spent together
Will remain with us
In our hearts forever
Now she's a star
With a special twinkle
She's watching over us
As our guardian angel
I will forever love and miss my little chunky monkey. I know that everyone that got the chance to love in love with you miss you too!!!! You will always be our special little girl and I hope that you know how much you are loved and missed by all!!!!
OUR LITTLE ANGEL
She came to us
From heaven above
She brought us joy
And gave us love
From heaven above
She brought us joy
And gave us love
The four short months
We spent together
Will remain with us
In our hearts forever
Now she's a star
With a special twinkle
She's watching over us
As our guardian angel
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Thursday, December 25, 2008
Merry Christmas!!!
I just wanted to wish Olivia a Merry Christmas!! I hope that your Christmas with Jesus was very special. You are greatly missed and forever on our minds. I wished that we could have got the change to watch you and your little brother play together this year but, I know that you two play all the time. We are so blessed to have such a beautiful angel watching over us. It doesn't make it any easier every year is difficult. We Love You Olivia!!!!
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